What's My Motivation?

Sex problems are complicated by 1) a nasty tangle of lies we tell ourselves and 2) bad brain wiring. Mind you, bad brain wiring is not a birth defect. It’s the systematic way you connect things. There are both healthy and unhealthy connections. They were learned and they can be un-learned. (As a negative example, if I conked you on the head every time you smelled cinnamon rolls, you’d soon fear the smell even if you were half-asleep.) Escaping from unwanted habits, desires, and thought processes requires that we shine the light of truth on why we connect things the way we do and what really motivates us to think and act as we do.

“I look at naked people in the sex act is to feel power over them.”

It’s too easy to say you surf for pictures of naked girls because you simply have “a thing” for particular body parts of a particular dimension. Yes, we are motivated by sexual desire. I’ve often looked at things because I wanted to be turned on and I knew I wouldn’t be disappointed, at least as far as producing an erection that I could give the expected attention to. But the motivation has to be more than that. People with severe eating disorders could not convince you that they were so hungry they literally needed several times an ordinary person’s calorie requirements. Similarly, a severe anorexic couldn’t convince you that days had gone by since there was any inkling of a hunger pang. I mean, we accept that there are psychological and emotional drivers in those situations. Well, the same thing goes for sexual behavior that you wish would leave you alone.

Today, I want you to consider jealousy. Pornography, by and large, is about fantasy. Endless gratification with amazing body parts. Nothing but beauty. Or perhaps the theme of your porn is domination. You like looking at people who are exerting the kind of power and control you wish you had. Of course, what you see is not real. You easily witness more physical contact and stimulation over the course of your porn session than one could realistically enjoy (if even endure) in weeks, but it still seems like the key to happiness.

A huge problem for novice male lovers who’ve consumed a lot of pornography is that they have extraordinarily warped expectations and understanding of the sex act. Even if they accept on an intellectual level that what they’ve come to appreciate as sex often involved oversized body parts, an unrealistic number of participants, way too much eagerness, stamina, aggressiveness, and willingness to be exotic there are emotional and subconscious connections that can’t simply be turned off.

So, at least for me, some of my motivation is that I look at naked people in the sex act is to feel power over them.  I am jealous of what I perceive to be physical superiority and the fact that they can do things I can’t. If I acknowledge this, I can then address jealousy head on.

Know that you came sufficiently equipped and skilled to have a satisfying sex life. If you feel lacking or like you are missing out, the problem is with the conditioning you’ve had. You need to re-learn what is realistic and work to reduce the temptations. Your sex drive won’t suffer, it will be made more efficient.

“Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” Galatians 5:26