A Different Kind of How-To-Quit Video
January 10, 2012 1 Comment
My scattershot survey of how-to-quit-masturbating videos on the internet has identified these common characteristics: confusing psychology, pretzel-like philosophy, goofy advice, scare tactics, and, oh, um…let’s see, absolute boredom.
Here’s my curve ball. I hope you find it entertaining and engaging.
Think of the narrator as a highway patrol officer. Here’s the script:
(Through a patrol car loudspeaker) “Step away from the penis. Place your hands where I can see them.”
“Is that too tough for you, you pantywaist? Why, no! No it’s not. Not if masturbation, pornography, and sexual fantasy are the anchor tied around your neck as you try to swim across the ocean of life. What? You don’t like my metaphor? Well, stick it in your ear, Captain Jack!”
“Now you listen and you listen good. I more that anyone else you know, know that orgasms feel good, but that thrill is small potatoes compared to the command and authority you have over the ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, and tax attorneys that fill your sexual fantasies. You dehumanize people in dirty pictures and naughty stories because their body parts and sex acts matter to you, while their hearts, minds, and souls do not. Then, because you have no way to set yourself apart from the sex puppets you imagine and control, you yourself become less human in your own mind.”
“So, right now, focus your mind and put pencil to paper. You must list your beliefs about bodies, respect, and sexual relations. Now write down what turns you on and gets you off. Go ahead. I can’t read what you write. But I do know this. If you masturbate sometimes because you can’t help it then you probably wish these thoughts would lose their fire. If so then the truth about what you really believe is your weapon against them. But the truth is a muscle. By rehearsing it daily, you will exercise the truth. Make it strong–stronger than any phony thought that ever bothered you.”
(To a defiant negative thought blocking out a positive thought) “KNOCK IT OFF!”
“Look pal, I’ve got a patrol to get to. And you’ve got work to do. Now pull up your pants and click on the link below. PEACE OUT!”