Positive Always Beats Negative

You’re disgusting! Quit it! There, does that help? No, probably not.

The particularly difficult thing about getting out of the rut of obsessive fantasy thoughts and compulsive sexual activity (like masturbation) is that feeling bad about it tends to fuel the whole thing. Masturbation, as pleasurable as it is, is a misuse of the body—or at least a less than optimum use. When you feel like crap, you accept that you should be treated like crap. I imagine that a lot of prostitution customers, men who crave the thrill of a professional orgasm, don’t see themselves as girlfriend-worthy at the moment.

So negativity helps speed up the cycle of temptation. But if unwanted thoughts and desires are what lead you into obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, how do you stop them without just yelling “No!” to your inner self all the time. Well, here’s a thought. Make all those condemnations positive. Instead of “Man, that’s a hot chick. Stop it, you jerk! Don’t think about her body!” think, “Man, that’s a hot chick. Yes, but it’s a real person who owns that body and may God bless how she chooses to use it. I choose right now to protect her privacy and respect her in my head.” See what I did there? I focused on things that are true or should be, not on what shouldn’t be. It’s just like a dieter choosing to be passionate about fresh, healthy vegetable dishes and enjoying improved scale readings instead of focusing on the pain of exercising longer or the deprivation of jumbo desserts.

Look, our brains didn’t get wired overnight. A lot of it is driven by tendencies that are permanent. I strongly believe, though, that through practice and positive reinforcement, we can coax our thought patterns to tend toward healthy thoughts and blow off destructive ones. And, let’s face it, obsessive sexual thoughts and fantasies are destructive. To give yourself completely to that cycle of temptation is to gleefully dive into a tailspin.

Be healthy. Think about what you think. If there’s problems there, think about adding thoughts, not subtracting them. If your timing is well chosen, the good thoughts will beat the bad. Brains work that way.

A Different Kind of How-To-Quit Video

My scattershot survey of how-to-quit-masturbating videos on the internet has identified these common characteristics: confusing psychology, pretzel-like philosophy, goofy advice, scare tactics, and, oh, um…let’s see, absolute boredom.

Here’s my curve ball. I hope you find it entertaining and engaging.

Quit Masturbating: The 100 Word Solution

Masturbation is always a CHOICE. Desire the reward of FREEDOM badly enough to accept some momentary FRUSTRATION. Recognize that the ORGASM caused by masturbation is small REWARD compared to the feelings of POWER and CONTROL that come from viewing pornography and imagining sexual situations with VULNERABLE people. Write down what you really BELIEVE about how people’s HUMANITY, innocence, independence, and privacy should be respected. Acknowledge the difference between your SEX THOUGHTS and your CORE BELIEFS. Daily RECITE out loud your core beliefs. When sex thoughts arise, take DEEP BREATHS and confront them with the truth. RECORD and REWARD your PROGRESS.

Sex Addiction Recovery Sabotage

The war against your obsession with pornography and sexual fantasies and your compulsion to masturbate is a war between logical thinking and feelings. If you have a sex problem it means that your emotions were already the victor at some point. There’s no shortage of stories of people doing foolish things for lust.

Feelings are fickle things. If you’ve determined to move beyond masturbation, pornography, and sexual fantasy, you’ve probably experienced the powerful high of feeling like your determination has already conquered the beast. You’ve probably also experienced every other possible emotion in the process: fear that you can’t do it, shame for what you’ve done in the past, anger that you have to do without, frustration, sorrow that you wasted a lot of energy, and jealousy of people who seem to be able to indulge without limits or consequences.

Feelings often translate into beliefs and those beliefs based on feelings are simply not reliable. Unfortunately, some of those feelings-based beliefs can make for very formidable roadblocks on the path to recovery. Consider:

“One of the downsides of the internet is that you can find people who support almost any perversion.”

Masturbate to Relieve Tension and Stress?

Even if masturbation is a villainous compulsion who visits you regularly, you probably associate it with relief. In fact, those with a neutral or positive attitude toward masturbation in general promote masturbation as a great way to relieve tension and stress. The trouble is that masturbation also encourages tension and stress.

Candidly, I have to tell you that some of my happiest self-induced orgasms have happened after I abstained for a while. In fact, that was typical for my cycle of temptation. I’d get sick of the habit and the related thoughts and I’d swear off it for a few days or a couple of weeks. Then a curious thought would pop into my head. I’d ponder it and get caught up in it and then I’d craft a fantasy around it. I’d check out safe references to confirm or dissipate my concerns and curiosities. Not satisfied with same-old, same-old, I would tread into more dangerous territory. I’d tell myself I just needed the right information, but urges would increase until I delved into something guaranteed to push my button. Then, to my shock, I’d come across some image or even my own fantasy that I “couldn’t handle.” And suddenly my staunch opposition to jerking off was replaced with serious determination to do just that. Of course, relief would come quickly, and with such a deep and satisfying force. For a moment, I was so incredibly relaxed and satisfied. No earthly problem could block the rays of sunshine bathing my glorious body…but, of course, it didn’t last. I’d be doing it at least twice more in the next few hours. It would be much less powerful, require a lot of concentration, and might even cause a little bit of irritation on my penis, but “one and done” is not phrase compatible with the habit of masturbation. The single, incredibly happy ejaculation was always followed by days of very compulsive “I can’t not do this” jerk-off sessions at the bathroom sink.

Weiner and Schwarzenegger and Edwards Are Not Unique

The common response to politicians getting caught in sex scandals is “How stupid are they?” and “What a slimeball!” Indeed, it is easy to point fingers. And, certainly in these public cases, the enormous ego of the politician in error contributes greatly to the fallacy that the person was going to get away with it and to their pathetic belief that a firm denial would blast away the weight of any evidence.  But, let’s face facts: if you have obsessive compulsive behaviors in matters of sex, then you have been, are, or could be the slimeball people are pointing to.

Boys Who Masturbate

As it turns out, I did not invent masturbation. Oh, sure, you knew that. Well, frankly, I know I’ve known it for a long time, myself, but when I first discovered what a fantastic feeling it was to hold a piece of wood in my lap while I worked on it with an orbital sander, I may have actually thought I was onto something revolutionary. Of course, I soon realized I could produce the same fluid with my hand. I may have realized it wasn’t a capability unique to me by the time I’d identified the word “masturbation” in a book at the city library. (Holy Hot Dog, Batman! There’s a word for what I do in the bathtub!) Still, it was an enormous revelation when during Driver’s Ed, in the summer after my ninth grade year, a guy bragged about asking a Special Ed. kid if he’d masturbated yet. Yet? Like it’s a given and only the timing is variable? Wow! I’d only waited two years for that news bulletin.

The Cycle of Self-Sex Temptation: A Map of Self-Pleasure Island…

Moving beyond masturbation, pornography, and sexual fantasy behind requires that you understand that it is a cycle that feeds on itself. The temptation mechanism draws you giddily through the same destructive gauntlet while blinding you to the fact it’s the same darn dog track you’ve bounded around before. When you are in the process of being lured into problem activity, it’s hard to see that disappointment and regret are just around the bend. Below is a diagram of the temptation and regret cycle, a map, if you will, of what I call Self-Pleasure Island. (Don’t miss the map key below the map.)

Save the Naked Girl!

The practical problems of obsessions with pornography and sexual fantasy are that they don’t respect boundaries. I can’t tell them to stick to a schedule or location. Unfortunately, this means that, despite my best intentions, I find myself in the “real world”, far away from my designated safe place to surf porn, daydream, and masturbate when the thoughts that serve me so well in fueling my masturbation fantasies arrive to pick on some REAL person I that I absolutely did not intend to interact, or worse, I fantasize about someone I know well and have to be around. Surely you know how weird and awful it can feel when you’ve seen someone and find yourself imagining them in some unspecified nudist situation, and then they make eye contact. Aren’t you certain at that point that your thoughts are transparent? Don’t you expect a dirty look?

Crazy Answers to “How Can I Quit Masturbating?”

Do you ever feel like people just don’t understand? If you’ve ever checked those websites where people ask questions and then total doorknobs chime in with useless, if not destructive answers, then this list won’t surprise you. Still, I think that some of the thinking here goes far beyond people who like to offer their solutions to these Q&A websites. It helps me understand just how isolated people with masturbation compulsions might feel. It’s very isolating when you know that this is what people think of problems with masturbation.

So, here we go. In answer to “How Can I Quit Masturbating?” we have:

1. “i used to have the same problem, now i have a g/f and we have sex a lot and i havent masturbated for months!!”
2. “find a girl !!!”
3. “Why on Earth would you want to quit?! If you have a compulsive problem where you have to go at it more than twice a day, then you need to see a shrink or get involved in more activities or something. But if you go at it once a day or several times a week, that is the best thing you can do for your sexual health and mental health. If you are expecting to go into the military or some other such constrained circumstance where masturbation can be terribly inconvenient, then don’t be foolish. Enjoy yourself while you can, and when the dry time begins, tough it out.”
4. “Put icy hot on your dick and or hand”
5. “ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FALL IN TRUE LOVE WITH S OMEONE THAT ‘S IT”
6. “Once we masturbate the experience goes to our unconscious mind and from the unconscious mind we get urge or desire for masturbation.”
7. “Do not forget that masturbation can be good for you because it can remove undesired substances through ejaculation.”
8. “You’ll grow out of it”
9. “You can’t. Many men have to masturbate otherwise they get what they call “blue balls” It’s healthier if you do.”
10. “I fought masturbation and pornography addiction and lost for two years. Mental tricks are limited…diet and exercise only helps to a point.Here is the solution that worked perfectly for me:Cut a piece out of a plastic soda bottle or use some other semi – hard or hard plastic that can cover the shaft of your penis, then cut a small slit in it with a knife. Put a small sharp piece of plastic into the slit and tape or glue it. Then roll it around your penis and tape it.” (From howtostopmasturbating.wetpaint.com)
11. “it’s important that you think carefully about whether your problem is actually about masturbation, or instead about feeling ashamed.” (From mentalhelp.com)
12. “Duct tape sandpaper to your hands.”
13. “cut your dick off”
14. “it’s better to put your seed in the belly of a whore than in the ground. or something like that.so, it’s a lesser sin for u to go hire a “lady of the evening”. lol”
15. “It is our right by birth. B’coz sexual arousal is natural thing and every flood has to get any way to flow.”

Okay, some of these are not the least bit serious. A few aren’t totally crazy. Nonetheless, it highlights the fact that a problem with masturbation will not receive total sympathy and support from all the world. Well, that’s why I’m writing blog articles. I want to tell you what others can’t, won’t, or wouldn’t even care to. I mean for it to help, too.